


Last thoughts of a lover

by milk_bread



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 1st person pov, Angst, Cheating Phil, Other, Suicide, from Dan's view
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 09:05:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12273246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milk_bread/pseuds/milk_bread
Summary: Really, how foolish of me. These tears are for nothing. It was my fault after all. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I am who I am. I wish, I wish. I don't know what I wish, but I hope you know that even though you stopped, I never will. Whatever happens to me, I'll love you with all my heart. Whatever you do, I'll always want to come back to you. I'm scared of that. It's better I leave.





	Last thoughts of a lover

A memory floats through my head. Then another. And another. When I met you was when I became my happiest. Do you no longer remember, that summer night we spent only talking underneath the stars? I had waited so long, and when it finally arrived, my heart was ready to burst out of my chest. We kissed that night. And how complete I felt, I cannot describe. The fireworks were beautiful, but they couldn't compare to your eyes. Blue, green, yellow anything and everything they could possibly be, and they pulled me in like they were designed to do so.

_A cut, then another, another, and one more._

I feel another pull. I go back to 2012. It was a tough time then, but it can't compare to now. I feel myself wishing I could go back to then, though I'm not sure if I mean to undo all my past wrongs, or if it's because I would be privileged to have even that, than this. _Two cuts_. Because back then, at least I had your love. _Another cut_. The feelings of sorrow and regret and broken hopes weigh me down now and reach deep into my heart. _Deep, like the next cut. And the next. And then the next._

Maybe I should have known? No. Of course I should have. It's only my fault for letting myself be drawn to your words, for believing them time and time again, little by little, until I truly felt like I need not try any longer, to believe. For how can someone like you, love me for long? Or love me at all. But I can't completely be blamed. Your sultry whispers, your love filled words, your heart wrenchingly beautiful eyes that carried my world in them, how could I resist? I've stopped counting now. There's a blurriness to my vision, and it's really quite welcome. Because somehow, even through all of this, I can still hear you with him in your bedroom.

We used to call it our bedroom. I stopped that the second I caught sight of you with him the first time. You jumped off of him the moment you saw me, but it'd only be wishful thinking if I said I saw any real regret or guilt in your eyes. Your eyes, which had been rapidly turning cold as time passed. I tried pretending I never saw anything out of the ordinary, and I probably could have succeeded thinking you still loved me, if I hadn't seen what I did. Your excuses sounded empty. And I walked away from you for the first time. Never too far however, I couldn't even bear such a thought.

Really, how foolish of me. These tears are for nothing. It was my fault after all. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I am who I am. I wish, I wish. I don't know what I wish, but I hope you know that even though you stopped, I never will. Whatever happens to me, I'll love you with all my heart. Whatever you do, I'll always want to come back to you. I'm scared of that. It's better I leave.

I'm heaving now, and my hands have stalled. But my mind still dares to wander, and my eyes try to seek, through my tears. I faintly register the pink around me. _Where are you now?_ The tears come harder, until all I see is a faint blur of the bathroom. There's a calm that surrounds me now. It seemed to slowly trickle in, until it was all that was left.

_I see you. You're walking towards me, as I to you, and the smile you wear is addicting. You are pale in your black suit, and when your eyes crinkle, I fall a little more in love. You're lips fall on mine and now, I'm complete. It feels like a summer night, and it tastes of love. The feeling slowly ebbs away, until I become completely surrounded by the black of night._


End file.
